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What If The Person You Were Meant To Be With Could Never Be Yours Year Old Lucinda Falls In Love With A Gorgeous, Intelligent Boy, Daniel, At Her New School, The Grim, Foreboding Sword Cross Only To Find Out That Daniel Is A Fallen Angel, And That They Have Spent Lifetimes Finding And Losing One Another As Good Evil Forces Plot To Keep Them Apart Get Ready To Fall This book is fucked In this lifetime you re nothing than you appear to be a stupid, selfish, ignorant, spoiled little girl who thinks the world lives or dies on whether she gets to go out with some good looking boy at school Even if your death wouldn t accomplish something so long awaited, glorious, and grand, I d still relish this moment, killing you I m sorry, was I supposed to agree with absolutely everything the evil villain said and wait, with baited breath, for her to kill Lucinda Price painfully on my behalf This review has spoilers, by the way.I have a list of rules for authors Kind of like a checklist to ensure that their novel is going to be good This book breaks them all For posterity I m going to list exactly which ones and why.1 Don t assume that your audience isn t as smart as you Statistically speaking, you re probably sitting on a fat, old average like the rest of us Try to flex our grey matter Please Lauren Kate thinks we re idiots She really, really does The prologue basically immediately informs the reader that Lucinda Price has been reincarnated and that black shadows follow her around ready to engulf her and take her away The title of the book is Fallen, and at page 51 Daniel s last name is revealed to be Grigori Anyone with half a brain already knows the gist of this story That Daniel is a fallen angel and the Lucinda Price is his loved one reincarnated yet 389 pages later, Lauren Kate pulls this out like it s some kind of massive reveal No Fuck no Having your main character come to a conclusion almost four hundred pages after the reader is just an insult You never learn than this by the way Other than a vague explanation as to the true function of the shadows that is it Kat s attempts to pierce her own eyes a la Jocasta 2 Don t cover up bad writing and plot with a sexy, smoldering character.Chances are they won t be nearly sexy, or smoldering enough It is painful to read badly written literature so just get it right the first time, please.The writing in this novel is terrible, by the way The editing is even worse Perhaps the copy editor had a hard time focusing on the text while her brain hemorrhaged as well The sentences were choppy, they flowed poorly and the word choices were sometimes just plain weird 5 Characterization is everything.This doesn t mean that your characters have to be likable at all times or likable at all But they have to be interesting, worth reading and fleshed out They have to react to situations within their character or in relation to their personal growth and they have to reflect the plot and the changes in your story.Characterization where do I even start sighs okay Here we go, but this is going to be painful and filled with profanities.Lucinda Price If I ever saw this girl in the street, I would probably punch her in the face I have never read such a useless, pathetic, tragically stupid female protagonist IN MY LIFE Luce s first encounter with Daniel results in him flipping her off After that he ignores her, rejects her, accuses her of stalking him, ditches her, suggests that she is annoying, accuses her of being an intruder the list goes on GET A HINT, WOMAN HE DOESN T LIKE YOU Only he does, and why they fall in love or want anything to do with each other is probably the only fucking mystery in this whole book No wait, I scratch that They DO belong together They re both prats I wouldn t wish them on anybody else She s a useless, stupid idiot and he s a selfish, moronic asshole It must be true love Daniel treats Luce like shit Luce accepts Daniel s treatment of her the fact that she does this causes ME to agree with Daniel s assessment , internalizes it, agonizes over it and still goes back for Again and again The ONE time I mean it ONE FUCKING TIME that Luce sticks up to Daniel and tells him not to treat her like an idiot the idiot that she is he kisses her probably just to shut her up for which I m eternally grateful then she immediately stops requesting that he treat her like an adult and an equal and he goes right back to muttering cryptic things without explaining them because her puny female mind couldn t possibly comprehend them.Oh And ANOTHER thing She obsessively stalks him, against all odds seeks him out again and again Finally, when he DOES tell her the truth, what does she do She runs away That s right Like a big fucking pansy, it turns out that her puny female mind really CAN T handle information I feel like muttering that scene out of anchorman where Ron Burgundy says I m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn That s what kind of man I am You re just a woman with a small brain With a brain a third the size of us It s science Daniel is crap Need I say Crappity crap crap CRAP Oh dear, I love this girl, but if I kiss her she s going to DIE Well here s a fucking idea, dickhead, DON T KISS HER Or don t kiss her on the lips winks at least not the ones on her face Chuckles evilly when she shows up, as she inevitably will, run away Go to a club and pick up a chick and take her home for coffee or to show her your special angel wings Whatever floats your boat Don t stick around and interact with her and torture yourself by getting close.Other characters in this book are two dimensional If there were such a concept as one dimensional, I m sure Kate would have striven to achieve that instead They are stand in cardboard cut outs and easily forgettable and inconsequential 6 Your story needs to have an actual story.It needs to have conflict, resolution climax, d nouement beginning and an end They don t always need to occur in the standard order, but something needs to happen.Can you read that, Lauren Kate Something needs to fucking happen Not just 401 pages of stalking That s not a fucking story 7 Research.Know what the hell you re writing about and put the work and research into your story Nothing is annoying then reading a book about an Anglican Preacher in the seventeenth century burning witches, when you know perfectly well how very historically inaccurate that is.This author knows nothing about angels Or the Bible Or religion She shows no concept for the Biblical nature of angels, their real function, how they differ from humans It s Just So Fail Kill me now I felt like putting on my sexy librarian outfit, pulling out my cain hyuk hyuk and giving a very interesting instruction about the Bible in both its modern context and the times in which it is historically acknowledged to be written as well as the spiritual nature or angels and demons and heaven Probably would have been a lot fun than reading this book because I look very sexy in my outfits and I give great feedback to my students And finally the last rule that this story broke 8 Consider what message your story is telling.Remember that usually, and historically, stories don t usually exist just for the hell of it Stories have messages and meaning They teach us and give us a perspective on life Storytelling carries a great responsibility because there are few things emotive to people than stories.My husband and I have been together for seven years now and I can confidently say I love him I love him I think about him I know him Most of all, I know WHY I love him and I know WHY he s perfect for me and why nobody else on this planet would ever do.Fallen seems to think it has something to say about Love Albeit, I wonder if even it knows what its opinion on love is Maybe that love conquers all No, not really since in the book it doesn t Maybe that love is eternal Well, yeah maybe An eternal pain in the ass is the theme it really seems to be going for.However, I hate the version of love in this book It s some mystical, unexplainable tie in this book Something that just is without any further information provided I can t help but compare Daniel s alleged sacrifice in losing Luce over and over again because he keeps selfishly kissing her when he kisses her she dies apparently with real love If he really loved her then he d leave as soon as he caught a glimpse of her He d move across the country He d keep running from her until the end of time for her own good When I compare it to how completely unselfish my husband is with his love, I can never excuse either Daniel or Luce for their actions.The relationship in this book is so unbalanced There is SO much information that Daniel never gives her because she just needs to trust him and apparently her fragile little female mind won t be able to handle it Then of course, there is the complete and utter power imbalance in their relationship This book is almost an argument against feminism To make the boy love you, you must accept his treatment and patiently wait out his scorn and derision You re supposed to obsess over the boy of your dreams and imagine who he is in complete contradiction to the person he s shown you to be Somehow this is supposed to be romantic This is supposed to be real love Well, I live real love I live it every day in its very boring, mundane existence I live with my soulmate and we go day from day This book is nothing like love This book knows obsession, hormones and drama It knows nothing about love It is devoid of respect, attention, tenderness and the freely giving love that I know to be real.The back of the book has a teaser for the next book stating Can you bear the TORMENTThe next book in the Fallen series by Lauren Kate The answer is No I really, really can t bear it I ll leave it to people who don t mind having their braincells sucked into a black hole of anti feminist propaganda This review can also be found on my blog, Cuddlebuggery Book Blog. First off, I d have given this book zero stars were it possible, but since it isn t I gave it one star This book is full of fail, end of story There is no other way to describe this book, really That s a lie There is another way to describe how bad this book is Take everything that sucked about the Twilight series and multiply that by any number except zero Or one Or any negative number Aw, crap, you know what I mean Because really, this book is a bad version of Twilight except with fallen angels instead of vampires Oh, and, compared to this book, Twilight is a friggin literary masterpiece That s how bad this book is You think Bella is irritating Meet Luce Price, the most irritating protagonist ever She s stupid yet still somehow incredibly smart, according to her grades , a creepy stalker, and has zero sense of self worth or shame When Daniel, this story s hero , flips Luce the bird and then proceeds to treat her like garbage on several occasions what does Luce do She instantly becomes obsessed with Daniel and breaks into the school records room to find out about him Not once does she think she might be crossing a line by going through someones private records Obviously, talking to him like a normal person would to find out about him, is out of the question,amiriteOh, and when a guy treats a girl like garbage that is actually code for TRULUV4EVA Look, I could go on and on about how idiotic this book is, but I won t since I have better things to do, like, write hate mail to the publisher of this book Seriously, I d be hard pressed to find a book that is worse then this flaming pile of garbage, and had I a time machine I d use it to go back in time in order to stop myself from ever reading this book To sum up my review Worst Book I ve Ever Read EVER yes, the second ever was entirely necessary An incredible waste of time and money, and ink, and treesI could go on and on and on This book makes babies cry Edit As of February 26, 2010 over nine hundred goodreads users think this book is amazing Amazing Really I mean, don t get me wrong, I fully understand really liking a book that has little to no literary value see my guilty pleasures shelf for proof But amazing Come on people Five stars really should be reserved for the classics great literary works, or something that really moves you emotionally makes you think on a deeper level then usual makes you want to be a better person It is beyond me that anyone truly loves this book Seriously I m sure a lot of you are wondering why, if I hated this book so much, I read the entire thing Originally, after only reading the first few chapters of this book I hurled it across the room in a fit of anger and no, I m not a rageaholic This book the fact that it was published and I was duped into wasting money on it just enraged me that much But I had to finish it I just had to Because I was dumb enough to believe it got better but it didn t It just got worse and worse as the book continued The absolute worst part is this book is 452 pages long, and the first 400 pages contain no plot whatsoever Though I already mentioned how much I dislike the protagonist I feel I should add Luce is an insipid creature read TSTL All she does is think of the most mundane crap stuff that isn t in the least bit important or interesting it almost makes you want to take a drill to your own head At one point she even wonders what size shoe Daniel wears mind you this is during the same period if time he s sending out strong I hate Luce vibes like nobody s business And yeah, for a girl who may or may not have accidentally on purpose killed the last boy she liked, it s truly creepy how easily she gets over it and readily moves on to the next victims boys Is she that messed up and desensitized Seems to me Luce is a sociopath and should be in prison, not reform school Speaking of said reform school It s laughable how the security is practically non existent Did the author do any research on reform schools I mean, come onThese teens not counting Penn are at this reform school because they are then a little dangerous to themselves and or others They are there to be reformed, not kindasorta babysat I really could go on about the massive plot holes contained in this novel of which there are several but I won t I m just going to say one last thing I m shocked that something this bad could be published and then I kid you not be optioned for a film Really Disney You really want to take this horribly written excuse of a novel and make it into a movie Are you that hard up for script ideas Really Fine, go ahead Perpetuate the death of all good literature Celebrate mediocrity Rape the young minds of our society I mean, everyone else is doing it, why not join in As long as you make a buck who cares, amirite Quick review of goodreads rating system five stars amazing , four stars really liked it , three stars liked it , two stars it was okay , one star didn t like it UPDATE 06 27 11 Over 300 people like this review Yay I WIN THE INTERNET Or at least I win a medal in the Crazy Rant About A Horrible Book category I d like to thank everyone who made this possible Goodreads friends, followers of my reviews and everyone else who read and voted for my review I couldn t have done this without any of you Also, special thanks go out to Al Gore, the creators of Goodreads, Delacorte Press, whoever green lighted this book, all the trees that selflessly laid down their lives so this book could be put into print and, of course, Lauren Kate Peace OutWolverines Evidence of this book s similarities to Twilight 1 New girl at school2 Mary Sue3 Girl attracts the hottest guys even though she has no personality or depth or anything remotely interesting about her4 Guy is extremely mysterious because he stands at a corner and glares at everyone passing by rude, and tells the girl to stay away from him5 Guy follows her around, and the girl isn t fazed whatsoever6 Guy is 100 and something years old and girl is 17I don t understand What is it with YA paranormal romance writers and making their characters complete dimwits with no depth I m tired of these dull, boring, weak, characterless girls It s a damn shame I ve had such shitty experiences with YA books in my life It makes me want to give up on the YA romance genre for good.